I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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