Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
