cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
