remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
