Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Blood and glitter go together right?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
