captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
