I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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