I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
