I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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