It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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