She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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