When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
