The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
