new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
