I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
