I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
