We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
