I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
