come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
