smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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