I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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