If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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