There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
