I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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