respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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