Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
