soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
