this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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