this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
