Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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