Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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