i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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