i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
