dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
