After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
