I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
