I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
