i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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