I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
