I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
