I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
