Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
