I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I fill condoms, not promises.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
