i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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