You can't special order awesome
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
