totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
