george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
