i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
