I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
