My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
